Sex and The Soul of a Me

"Sex and The Soul of a Women" - Great book, go read it. Y'know, if you're a lady. =)

I've found my self with a lot more "ME" time recently, which means a lot more time to just relax and think; which of course can be so dangerous! It's strange though that during these times the things that I do, seem to spark memories of the days gone by, of the bad choices I've made, of the men I've been attached to. Until I was 19 years old I always told myself "just wait, God will send you someone." and that, paired with teenage angst and lack of self esteem kept me from making what seems to be the usual bad teenage choices. Unfortunately though, I've always been boy crazy but really good at hiding it. I'm pretty sure I hide the boy crazy parts of me because I recognize the danger laying just below the surface; if I chose to embrace my true inclinations the results could be catastrophic. In my boy crazy ways I've had crushes at one time or another on pretty much every male I've ever known... Uh oh!

It was after I finally, after weird incident followed by weird incident ended up "dating" Eric and consequently breaking up with him, something snapped inside me and I let my boy crazy self free... a little bit. After Eric there was a string of attachments that I kept so secret, some of the dearest people in my life barely know they existed. I never really "dated" these people but attachment to them was formed, for a short while. First there was Henry, then Jack, Then Joseph, Brian, Dan, and than most recently Jessie. I can honestly say not much of my heart was left with Eric, Henry, Jack, Joseph, Brian, or Dan, I wish I could say the same for Jessie. It's hard for me to explain why I liked Jessie so much, he really didn't have much to offer other than that he appreciated me for just being me, he never only wanted me for the possibility of sex or want to use me for money; he just wanted to be with me and he showed initiative. (Okay, maybe it's not that hard to explain. =-P) The point is though, I gave up waiting for God's timing and rushed for my own. I made bad decisions. I lost parts of me by giving myself to them.

Now, now don't be worried, my virtue is fully intact. But, the intimacy that was shared I feel has left a scare. If I had only just had faith in God's timing I wouldn't have the hard memories of rejection and of breaking other peoples hearts that I do have now. I would have had a full unmarred heart to share with whoever my future and God might bring me. I know I'm forgiven now for my lack of faith but that doesn't change the regret I feel for giving parts of myself away to people who were, undeserving - for lack of a better term. As a women, (I'm not sure how it works with men, 'cause I've never been one.) physical contact is paired with emotion. There is no "just physical" parts of our being or brain. All of it is tied into our hearts and our psyche; really it's a horrible tangled web. The bright side is that attachment to someone, if they play their "cards" right is quick and long lasting. And to clarify, I am in no way saying that women are all emotion and no logic, because that simply is not true. However, unless I go into a situation KNOWING that I need to treat is in a way separate from my emotion it effects me. Maybe that is just me.... Maybe...

With all of that said, I urge any women to wait for God's timing and will, don't lose track of what you really want, compromise your integrity, or settle.

Much Love,

Ms. Friday