Baker?

I went book shopping on Sunday, after church with the family... I spent too much money, I have a book addiction. I think it's safe to say that Half Price Books is the equivalent of a crack dealer to a book addict... Library's are the gate way drug.


So, my dad and step-mom have been really trying to get me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The only thing I can truly determine about what I want from a future career is that it better not be in a huge company - working in a call center. (Seriously, I think I'm getting office chair sores on my thighs and I have a permanent feeling of a foam earpiece on my right ear. I call it the "phantom head-set".)

I've always thought that either working in a library or in a bakery would be pretty awesome. Maybe I could pursue one of those as a career...

Tomorrow, I will apply for some jobs, right now... I'm going to sleep.

-Gideon

Once upon a time.... I was a Fat Activist!

Once upon a time I use to be a Fat Activist... I even had my own blog that was mildly popular within the "Fat-o-Sphere". I say use to be, because I'm not anymore. I still support body acceptance and I support NAAFA, the way fat people are treated is absolutely scandalous! But, I cannot with good conscience claim to be satisfied with my own body or run around telling everyone to accept how they are when I can't accept my own body.

I've had quite a few people ask me why I stopped writing my blog. My usual response is that I just haven't had the drive to do it, which is partially true. The reason for the lack of drive is the part that I've left out. I was living a lie, I'm not a fat rights activist... I cannot go on trying to say that I've found this amazing internal peace with my body, when I in fact have not.

I went in to The FAM (Fat Acceptance Movement) a lot like a social misfit finds their way into the accepting arms of a cult. It was easy, there was love in the FAM and after years of self hate, dieting, feeling lost and broken, it was easy to turn to a group of people that told me I was fine the way that I was, that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of love, and that everyone who had ever told me I was ugly or stupid, was wrong. Instead of dealing my internal issues I moved from one area of hiding to a new and improved area; Being part of the FAM gave me permission to have all sorts of new extroverted behavior, that I never felt allowed to have before.

Right now, I know that I am beautiful, I know that I am worthy of love, I know that I have a great personality, and that I have the ability to be even more awesome in the future! But, I'm not happy with my body, in fact I hate it. I look at myself and see someone that I know the world does not. I know that my friends and family see that person too, to an extent. However, the world does not, I am defined by my fat body. I feel uncomfortable, I feel sick, and I feel like I'm some how hiding within my self.

During my stint with The FAM, I wrote a lot about the correlation of fatness and health, I still stand firm on my beliefs in that aspect, there is no direct connection showing that all fat people are unhealthy. I do know that I am unhealthy. Maybe not totally unhealthy in the physical aspect of things, but mentally. The more I read, the more I learn about obesity and eating disorders, the more I realize that I have an eating disorder; part emotional eating, part a simple "need" for delicious, delicious curly fries.

Deep down inside I just feel this almost ever growing insatiable hunger. I just want to eat! I want to eat everything! (Well, I want to eat everything that's delicious, I don't really ever have a strong craving for broccoli or asparagus.) Since I've moved back in with Dad and step-mom, August, I've been on a diet at least 4 or 5 times, I just keep trying, I just keep going to the gym, I still keep trying to watch my portions, and I still remain fat because I still somehow always end up at McDonalds. While going through the drive-thur, (I expertly order my #12, large size, with diet. "Would you like sauce with that?" the man/lady always asks and I respond in a clear and practiced manner "Two sweet n' sour's and two hot mustard's.") the whole time feeling like I'm in some type of out-of-body experience. In my brain I'm shouting "UHHH I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, WHY AM I HERE? DRIVE AWAY, DRIVE AWAY!!!" I just keep going, like I have no control, I eat without really tasting it. I feel guilty after eating the nasty, greasy food. Somehow though, it makes me feel whole in a way I can't explain, a temporary wholeness.

I haven't found a solution to this feeling yet, I'm praying though.


-Gideon

Developing An Opinion About Divorce

What is divorce in the most basic terms?

Dictionary.com says it is "...a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, esp. one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations."

Wikipedia says that "...divorce or dissolution of marriage is a legal process that leads to the termination of a marriage."

The Bible says these things about divorce:

Old Testiment

• Malachi 2:16a: “I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.”



• Deuteronomy 24:1-4: "If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lordyour God is giving you as an inheritance."

New Testiment

• Matthew 5:32: "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. "



• Matthew 19:6: “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate"



• Matthew 19:8-9: "Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery"



• 1 Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

Alrighty, so there's all that information... what is my opinion?

*ponders*

Well, it's obvious to me that God intends for marriage to be a lifetime commitment. The bible does say in several places that there are two basic exceptions to the rule against divorce, unfaithfulness, and if your spouse is an unbeliever and they choose to leave you. The phrase “and marries another” in Matthew 19:9 indicates that divorce and remarriage are allowed in an instance of the exception clause for unfaithfulness. I think it's important to point out that only the innocent party is allowed to remarry according to the text.

Here is a direct quote from gotquestions.org (I couldn't say it any better.):

"Some understand 1 Corinthians 7:15 as another “exception,” allowing remarriage if an unbelieving spouse divorces a believer. However, the context does not mention remarriage, but only says a believer is not bound to continue a marriage if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Others claim that abuse (spousal or child) are valid reasons for divorce even though they are not listed as such in the Bible. While this may very well be the case, it is never wise to presume upon the Word of God."

So, marital unfaithfulness is an allowence for divorce but difinitly not a requirement. Just because your husband "cheats" on you doesn't mean that you should or that you have to get a divorce. I think even if an infraction in the marriage life this occurs, through God's grace a couple can learn to forgive and rebuild their marriage. Christians, especially need to follow the example of Jesus Christ and think about how God has forgiven us so much, surely we can learn and work to forgive our brothers and sisters, and spouses.

Also, while I'm on the subject of remarriage... I really think that alot of people look too quickly for new relationships and remarriage after a divorce when it's possible that God may want them to remain single. And as gotquestions.org says "Remarriage after a divorce may be an option in some circumstances, but that does not mean it is the only option."

So, I that's my opinion! I realize that my opinion really is focused on how a Christian should act in this situation. That would be because I am a Christian so my beliefs are impacting my opinion; as they should.

Schwinn!

I dunno, but I'm pretty sure that I need to own this...

Merry Christmas!

Hooplah Scooplah!

So, it's been snowing almost non-stop for the last two weeks; I'm incredibly disgruntled by this snows presence in my life. But, regardless of the snow I did find a way to leave my wee little Auburn,WA suburb of Algona/Pacific and get to my sisters house in the wonderful city of Lacey (Olympia). I love this place, this town, this spot on the earth; it is my home!

Despite the fact that this snow sucks and it's pretty much made me prisoner in the apartment I share with my Dad and new Step-Mom, it is kinda pretty. I think in the many years that I've lived in Washington State this is going to be my first real "WHITE CHRISTMAS". I've had Slushy Christmases and I've experienced Christmases with snow fall, but never a Christmas with a foot of snow already on the ground and the promise of even more snow fall. I think tonight I'm gonna try to talk someone into helping my build a snow man.

Christmas is exciting to me and coming home to my Sister and my brother-in-law, The Canadian, makes the holiday even more special. I think though, what really made my season bright was the "Merry Christmas" I received from my work. My new supervisor, (The one who always forgets who I am, never remembers I'm new to her center and do not know all of the procedures for things yet, no matter how many times I tell her.) takes me to this back room called "The Monitoring Room" (It has a sign.) and proceeds to tell me she got an email from my quality coach (From whom I have recently received scores of 95% and 100% on my call quality.) and they are concerned about how I'm fitting into the job and my supervisor flat out asks me "Do you like working on the phones?". I almost wet my pants at this question.... What am I supposed to say to that? I can't lie... because lying is bad... I've lost too many Christian points doing and saying other things. (+10 Christian Points for helping the needy, -5 Christian Points for thinking impure thoughts about the guy who stocks the vending machines in the lunch room.)

At this point, I'm not about to lie to a supervisor at the largest Christian NGO's in the US. And of course I do have my own moral standards that prevent me from lying. So, I explain in the most professional way that I can; that I apologize if I ever seemed that I didn't like my job, (I always thought I did a good job at not complaining.) that honestly, working on the phone is most definitely not my most favorite thing to do and I don't want to do this forever; But that I always try to do my best no matter what I'm doing because that's what I'm called to do by my beliefs and that my time working here would be met by me working as hard as I needs to, to meet the requirements of my position. I reminded her on my good quality scores and ended with another brief apology. (The classic sandwich method.) But Ms. Forgetful-supervisor-lady tells me that they are going to be monitoring me and my work extra to make sure I'm not slacking off and verbatim said "This is a verbal warning...". What the deuce?!?! And a Merry Christmas to you too, my place of employment!


Now, with all that said... I guess I'm gonna be looking for a new job soon...


My sister told me I need to learn to "play the game" better... She said I should have more indirectly answered the question. I couldn't do that, I lived a life of "playing the game" while working at LiveBridge/ACS and I can't play the game anymore. Not giving the whole truth or giving fanciful answers is the same as lying in my book and my life is too short for me to waste my time playing some game just so I can "make it" in some corporate world. I have to believe that there is more to modern existence than that.


Well, to all the world I wish a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


And here is an awesome picture of a spider eating a bird!




-Gideon

Just saying the darndest things...

Gender: Feeling Female
Weight: More than last time
Current Pet Peeve: Snow
Occupational Hazard: Hating ones job


I think last Monday was a very pivotal day in the grand scheme of things that which is my life. I've always know that I hated working in customer service for my last employer, but I finally realized that I hate working in customer service for every company, I don't care who they are. However, my previous employer does have a special place in my hate-heart. But, last Monday, I realized that if I sat in my computer chair, wearing a headset, being connected to an auto dialing phone as if it were my life source any longer I was going to die; Probably taking people with me in the process.

Sure... What I do does indirectly help feed the starving babies in Ethiopia, but I can't do this* any longer! I need to actually be doing something. Only, problem now is... What should I do with my life? What do I wanna be when I grow up?

"When I grow up I wanna be a pastry chef, maybe a Pastor's wife, or a dinosaur."

Tonight my Dad asked me how I would know when I was grown up. (I constantly make it a point for him to know that I am most definitely not a grown up.) I think that my answer should have been something so much more substantial than what I actually told him. I should have said something more like... "I'll be grown up with I can financially support myself and perhaps another person." or "I'll be a grown up when I learn to diversify funds and have my own stock portfolio." Sadly, I said nothing of the sort.... I told him, "I'll be grown up when I can buy my very own pre-lit fake Christmas tree." I'm not really sure what that means... But, it seemed to satisfy his query, maybe he realized that I'll probably never grow up and I'll be that crazy 60 year old lady who eats too much candy, travels far too much, and owns at least one sparkly jogging suit with matching walking shoes.

*Sitting 8-10 hours a day, inbound and outbound contact with donors for one of the largest NGO's (Non-Government Organization's) in the US... That shall remain nameless.

What is my opinion...

Age: 22
Weight: About 300lbs
Insecurities: Far too many
Most Recent Shame: Weeping while watching "The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants"
Current Occupation: Angelina's Assistant Goodwill Ambassador

My life seems pretty full right now, what with all the Christmas shopping, the making of my "from the heart" home made presents, and working overtime each day. Strange though, I really don't feel like I've got an intelligent thought in my head...

I've decided to come up with some opinions recently; I just haven't decided what I should be opinionated about. I think that the inability to develop independent opinions that young people seem have these days, is in fact a huge plague on American society. Personally, sometimes I feel like a slate that no one has cared to fill in with information. I make choices every day, I have experience after experience and I have yet to feel like I've really learned anything useful about life. All of my own opinion's about things seem so easily washed away or altered by trend or social surroundings.

Here I go dancing through life without true political opinion beyond thinking that McCain has creepy skin and Obama has great big ears and looks oddly appealing with a cigarette in his mouth. I've yet to have a time to really practice standing up for my own personal morals or have the opportunity to really fervently explain why I have the few beliefs/opinions that I do have... I guess there have been a few times that I've declined a wedding invitation or two to some same sex marriage ceremonies, but that wasn't very challenging; I'm sure it's supposed to be more difficult.


Hmm... I guess some day I will get to develop a whole butt load of opinions and be a warrior for them... Some day...


Things I should develop opinions about:

• Divorce
• The Gay's
• Hanging out in bars
• Ghosts/Haunting
• Jesus' Divinity
• Karaoke
• Abortion - When does life begin?
• Birth Control
• Marriage Philosophy
• Modern day prophets
• Organic Grocers
• Tithing
• Hypocrisy
• Pop/R&B
• Modesty
• Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse