Once upon a time I use to be a Fat Activist... I even had my own blog that was mildly popular within the "Fat-o-Sphere". I say use to be, because I'm not anymore. I still support body acceptance and I support NAAFA, the way fat people are treated is absolutely scandalous! But, I cannot with good conscience claim to be satisfied with my own body or run around telling everyone to accept how they are when I can't accept my own body.
I've had quite a few people ask me why I stopped writing my blog. My usual response is that I just haven't had the drive to do it, which is partially true. The reason for the lack of drive is the part that I've left out. I was living a lie, I'm not a fat rights activist... I cannot go on trying to say that I've found this amazing internal peace with my body, when I in fact have not.
I went in to The FAM (Fat Acceptance Movement) a lot like a social misfit finds their way into the accepting arms of a cult. It was easy, there was love in the FAM and after years of self hate, dieting, feeling lost and broken, it was easy to turn to a group of people that told me I was fine the way that I was, that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of love, and that everyone who had ever told me I was ugly or stupid, was wrong. Instead of dealing my internal issues I moved from one area of hiding to a new and improved area; Being part of the FAM gave me permission to have all sorts of new extroverted behavior, that I never felt allowed to have before.
Right now, I know that I am beautiful, I know that I am worthy of love, I know that I have a great personality, and that I have the ability to be even more awesome in the future! But, I'm not happy with my body, in fact I hate it. I look at myself and see someone that I know the world does not. I know that my friends and family see that person too, to an extent. However, the world does not, I am defined by my fat body. I feel uncomfortable, I feel sick, and I feel like I'm some how hiding within my self.
During my stint with The FAM, I wrote a lot about the correlation of fatness and health, I still stand firm on my beliefs in that aspect, there is no direct connection showing that all fat people are unhealthy. I do know that I am unhealthy. Maybe not totally unhealthy in the physical aspect of things, but mentally. The more I read, the more I learn about obesity and eating disorders, the more I realize that I have an eating disorder; part emotional eating, part a simple "need" for delicious, delicious curly fries.
Deep down inside I just feel this almost ever growing insatiable hunger. I just want to eat! I want to eat everything! (Well, I want to eat everything that's delicious, I don't really ever have a strong craving for broccoli or asparagus.) Since I've moved back in with Dad and step-mom, August, I've been on a diet at least 4 or 5 times, I just keep trying, I just keep going to the gym, I still keep trying to watch my portions, and I still remain fat because I still somehow always end up at McDonalds. While going through the drive-thur, (I expertly order my #12, large size, with diet. "Would you like sauce with that?" the man/lady always asks and I respond in a clear and practiced manner "Two sweet n' sour's and two hot mustard's.") the whole time feeling like I'm in some type of out-of-body experience. In my brain I'm shouting "UHHH I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, WHY AM I HERE? DRIVE AWAY, DRIVE AWAY!!!" I just keep going, like I have no control, I eat without really tasting it. I feel guilty after eating the nasty, greasy food. Somehow though, it makes me feel whole in a way I can't explain, a temporary wholeness.
I haven't found a solution to this feeling yet, I'm praying though.
-Gideon
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